Loving the One Who Hurt You

“But I tell you who hear me:

Love your enemies ...”

Having asked how to love when it hurts, we now ask how love moves toward the one who caused the hurt. How do we love like Jesus, adopting a grace-filled pattern of action that expresses the love that invites the other into the process of forgiveness with reconciliation as the goal?

This teaching of the Lord Jesus is often countercultural, even counterintuitive. It is calculated to break cycles of harm, recrimination, and alienation and move us into the process of forgiveness toward reconciliation.

To trace the outline of this grace-filled pattern of action, we turn to Luke 6:27-36. Take a moment to read this passage and think about it. 

As for the meaning of “grace-filled,” we are reminded of Dallas Willard’s description from the previous post:

Grace is actually God acting in our lives to accomplish, with our participation, what we cannot accomplish on our own.[1] 

So, a “grace-filled pattern of action” is the consistent practice of inviting and submitting to the triune God (Father, Son, and Spirit), who then acts in our lives to bring about results beyond human ability, even our ability to love those who have hurt us.

In order not to misunderstand or distort this grace-filled action of loving, let’s dispel three myths.

 

Myth #1: If you disagree with someone, you don’t love them.

In our current culture, if you disagree with a person’s or group’s values or behavior, you can be accused of not loving them. Sometimes, this is intensified. For example,

“Unless you endorse my lifestyle, you must be hate-filled.” 

Jesus contradicts this false moralism. If he instructs us to “love your enemies,” we are to love people we disagree with.

Can we love people and not agree with their values or behavior?

Yes! Any parent who has responsibly raised a teenager will be aware of this dynamic.

 

Myth #2: If you do not forgive a person unconditionally, then you don’t love them.

Said another way, you must forgive an offender if you love them— even if that offender is still mistreating you or is not repentant for what they have done. In some ways, this is similar to the previous myth.

Well-meaning people, including some Christians, confuse love and forgiveness. They are not the same. Confusing love with forgiveness results in the loss of the effectiveness of both. This distinction is explored in “When Love and Forgiveness Get Confused.” 

God loves everyone (John 3:16), but not everyone has been forgiven. To obtain God’s forgiveness, a person “must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus Christ” (Acts 20:21; Mark 1:15; etc.).

As we have discovered several times in this series, love (agapē) is unconditional, whereas forgiveness is conditional. 

Love (agapē) is your stance toward the ‘other,’ whereas forgiveness is the process of rebuilding a broken or damaged relationship with the ‘other.’ Love is unilateral—you love despite what the ‘other’ does; forgiveness is bilateral—if forgiveness is to take place, both parties must participate.

For more on the theology and practice of forgiveness, I encourage you to read “Reclaiming Forgiveness.” You will find the link to the beginning this series at the end of this post.

Can we love a person even though forgiveness has not taken place?

Yes! God does, and he calls followers of Jesus to do the same.

 

Myth #3: The offender must be wrong, perhaps even evil.

Vilifying the other person or group is a common default position. What they believe or how they behave makes it easier for us to write them off as unlovable and treat them as enemies.

Ask yourself:

“Am I entirely right, and are they completely wrong?”

Usually, we presume that we are right and our antagonist is wrong. A wiser approach is to be open to the possibility that we might not be as right as we think. This requires a measure of humility and thoughtfulness.

Can we love a person who is wrong?

Yes! 

This is just a brief survey of some myths that hinder. If you have others, I encourage you to write me about them. 

Now, let’s move into Jesus’ teaching.

 

“Love Your Enemies”

We will focus on the teaching of the Lord Jesus in Luke 6:27-28, although I encourage you to read the larger context. Here is what He says:

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

For our specific purposes, although the word “enemy” might seem harsh, we will consider this text to include an offending person or group in a broken relationship. After all, it includes those who hate, curse, and mistreat you.

First, you might already have observed that these three categories deal with actions, words, and thoughts or attitudes.

Now, let’s look at each of these in turn.

1. “Do good to those who hate you.”

Jesus was hated by the world (John 7:7; 15:18). If we are following Jesus faithfully, we can expect to be treated as he was treated (John 15:18-19; 1 John 3:13). He warns us of this hate just a few verses earlier (Luke 6:22):

Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. 

But here is a word of caution. We might be hated for reasons other than “because of the Son of Man.” Sometimes, we act or speak in ways that are not Christ-like. In those cases, we must examine ourselves before God and confess our sins to him and to the person or group we offended.

The natural reaction to being hated is to get even with the ‘other’ by hating them back, taking revenge, excluding them, or engaging in some other destructive action. 

Not so with the followers of Jesus. One way we can respond to the ‘other’ in love is to “do good” to them. That means when we have the opportunity to do something for the ‘other,’ we should do something good for them.

2. “Bless those who curse you.”

Blessing and cursing are usually speech-acts—what we say. In simple terms, when we speak ‘good’ into a person’s life, we encourage, enrich, and build them up—that is blessing. Cursing is the opposite; we speak in a way that discourages, reduces, or tears down the ‘other.’

So, if your ‘enemy’ is mentioned in conversation, how do you speak about them? Do you criticize and condemn them, or do you say ‘good’ things about them?

Blessing someone who criticizes you, tears you down, and condemns you is the grace-filled response of love that Jesus intends and expects of you.

3. “Pray for those who mistreat you.”

The word translated as “mistreat” is epēreazō, which is defined as “to treat someone in a despicable manner, threaten, mistreat, abuse.”[2]

On occasion, the recollection of past wrongs, mistreatment, or abuse bubbles up in my thought life. I find myself getting angry and bitter. If I allow this reaction, it negatively affects my mind, body, and relationships.

When this happens, I have been greatly helped by Jesus’ instruction to pray for the abusive person or group who mistreated me. I have found that such prayer displaces anger and bitterness, allowing me to love my ‘enemy.’ It draws my heart closer to the heart of the Lord Jesus.

In Conclusion

Although there is much more that we can draw from this text, here are four practical steps to keep in mind that will equip you to love your enemies.

1. Self-examination:

Be open to the possibility that you might have caused or contributed to the problem.

As I often recommend, it is a healthy practice to pray Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) regularly:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

Point out anything in me that offends you, 

and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Quietly wait for the Lord to answer, and deal with whatever he brings to your attention.

2. Set things right:

If you become aware of something on your part that caused a person to be an ‘enemy’ or your antagonist in a conflict or a relational breakup, confess it to the Lord, then go and set it right with the person you offended.

Again, I encourage you to work through this series from the beginning. 

3. Take action:

This is a call to do what Jesus commands. Whatever the outcome of the previous two points, put into action the grace-filled pattern of action toward your ‘enemy’ or your antagonist. In general terms, this means that whenever you have the opportunity:

• do good to them in your actions,
• bless them in your words, and
• pray for them at the inner core of your life.

In this way, you will begin to love them. That is just as it should be for the faithful follower of Jesus.

4. Love like Jesus:

“Hold on! How can I love like Jesus?”

Good question.

On our own, we cannot love like this. It is neither a natural desire nor a natural power that enables us to love our enemies.

So, in conclusion, I encourage you to dig into and be guided by another of our resources: “How to Love Like Jesus.” 

Please feel free to write to me with your comments and questions using this link.

 

BACK TO How Can I Love When It Hurts So Much?

TO START at the beginning of this series

Notes:

[1] In the foreword written by Dallas Willard to Gary Moon, Falling for God (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook, 2004), x.

[2] Walter Bauer, Frederick William Danker, William F. Arndt, and F. Wilbur Gingrich, A Greek‑English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature, 3rd ed. (Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 2000), s.v. “ἐπηρεαζω.”

Image Credit: Despositphotos