When Love and Forgiveness Get Confused

People often confuse love and forgiveness.

Granted, there is a complex dynamic between forgiveness and love, but viewing them as interchangeable or mixing them up results in loss. 

The accompanying photo illustrates this confusion. Substituting a wrench for a hammer, or vice versa, is to misunderstand their purposes and functions. That misunderstanding is an abuse that results in the loss of effectiveness for both.

Why is there confusion?

For some, well-meaning intentions may contribute to the confusion. For others, it is more intentional, perhaps prompted by the need to defend a position, whether doctrinal or professional.   

Here is an example expressing the confusion.  

“You must always forgive, even when the offender doesn’t acknowledge the wrong!”

Then there could be an added challenge:

“Can you give me one example from the Bible in which God does not forgive?”

First, let’s dispense with the challenge. There are many instances in which God does not, or will not, forgive.

For instance, Lamentations 3:42:

We have sinned and rebelled and you [God] have not forgiven.

Click here to view several statements, both Old and New Testaments, in which God does not forgive. 

In view of this, it is clear that God does not always forgive. God does not dispense forgiveness unconditionally.

Distinguishing love and forgiveness

In the previous post, God in Christ is our model for forgiveness. He is also our model for love. Let’s briefly consider how God loves and forgives.

God is love (1 John 4:8, 16).

Love is rooted in God; love is part of who he is. God loves everyone unconditionally; He loves you no matter what. 

Forgiveness is an action God does, or does not, do. To be forgiven is to engage in God’s process for rebuilding a damaged or broken relationship. We can choose to engage in, or not engage in, the process of forgiveness. 

We find God’s love and forgiveness together in such texts as John 3:16:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 

God loves the world unconditionally. No matter who the person is or what they have done, God loves them.

Implicit in obtaining “eternal life” is the forgiveness of sins (Romans 5:21; 6:22-23; 1 Timothy 1:16). Receiving eternal life has a condition: “whoever believes.” That response of believing presumes a change or repentance from not believing.

How did God in Christ forgive those who are believers (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13)? Paul proclaims it this way (Acts 20:21):

I have declared to both Jews and Gentiles that they must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus.

From these few texts, it is clear that forgiveness is conditional. The process of rebuilding a damaged or broken relationship requires the participation of both parties. On the offender’s side, the offence needs to be “owned,” acknowledged, or admitted. More on this in future posts.

So, God’s love is unconditional; his forgiveness is conditional. As he is our model for both loving and forgiving, the same holds true for those who are followers of Jesus.

Danger of confusion

There is a danger in confusing love and forgiveness.

If we examine those instances more closely when God does not forgive, it is when the offender, wrongdoer, or sinner does not, or will not, acknowledge the offense, wrong, or sin. When there is no acknowledgement of the offence, forgiveness cannot happen.

Again, God always loves; God does not always forgive.

Put another way, if the offence that damaged or broke a relationship remains unacknowledged, the fractured relationship cannot be rebuilt. In such circumstances, “I love you” is an expression of the character of God. Whereas “You are forgiven” is a sham.

To confuse love and forgiveness is to reduce, even lose, both. This potential loss highlights the importance of understanding and applying these concepts with God-honoring biblical accuracy. 

The future of forgiveness 

The distinctions and the connections between love and forgiveness need to be re-explored further and reclaimed. 

For the purposes of this post, it is enough to raise the issue. 

Are you mixing up love and forgiveness?

If so, you are in danger of no longer understanding and practicing either forgiveness or love.

The challenge is to listen afresh, and to live lives that actually embody both. Our call is to understand and practice love and forgiveness as God in Christ loves and forgives.

In the next post, we will listen to Jesus as he tells us a parable about love and forgiveness.

What do you have to add? You can contact me using this link.

BACK TO Reclaiming Forgiveness: A Fresh Beginning 

Photo credit: Visual Hunt