Confronting the ‘Other’ With Grace and Truth

“If your brother sins against you,

Go and show him his fault …”

 

You stand at the edge of icy water. You know you must go in; every nerve protests.

Needed confrontation feels the same. And yet Jesus calls us to step in: meet privately, speak truthfully, seek restoration.

“Confrontation for what?”

Has there ever been a situation in which someone has:

• slandered, insulted, or betrayed you,
• abused or injured you, or
• otherwise mistreated you?

What do you do, and why?

In the previous three posts, we explored how we love the ‘other’ who has ‘sinned’ against us. Consulting “A Map to Guide You to Forgiveness,” your finger lands next on “Confront or Rebuke Lovingly.”

What does this mean, and how do we do it?

 

Jesus’ words

On several occasions, the Lord Jesus teaches his disciples how to respond when a person has offended or sinned against them. One of those is Matthew 18:15-17. Here is the text:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” 

I am often surprised by how few followers of Jesus are aware of these words of the Lord, and even fewer who put them into practice.

Most commentators recognize Jesus’ instruction as flowing from Leviticus (19:17-18):   

Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Let’s listen to how the Lord Jesus is guiding us in the journey of forgiveness.

 

Four elements

Jesus embeds at least four elements in Matthew 18:15:

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

1. Sins against you.

A sin against you is neither a dislike of someone’s personality nor words or actions you do not care for. This is not about personal tastes or petty differences. It is an act or omission significant enough to damage or break a relationship.

Also, notice that it is a ‘sin’ against you, not someone else. For the most part, we are not deputized to arbitrate how others might feel or be sensitive.

2. The offended person takes the initiative. 

“Go and show him his fault” are words of expectation or command, not suggestion. As the offended person, you need to “go and show.” This initiative does not permit the offended person to indulge in self-pity, bitterness, or resentment.

The word “show” translates the Greek word elegchō, which conveys the act of presenting evidence; making your case. It involves a clear, honest explanation of what was said or done to you, and how it impacted you. 

3. Just the two of you. 

Subject to a few precautions (which we will come to in a moment), this initial meeting is “just between the two of you”— no one else. Do not tell others under the guise of having them “pray for the situation,” or whatever. There is no one else present or informed for moral support; no one else to impress. 

It is both wise and loving not to presume guilt. Instead, you might say something like:

          “I heard you say that …”

Or

          “You ignored me when…”

Then, you might add some open questions, such as:

          “What did you mean when you said …

Or

          “How could you have ignored me when…”

This does two things. First, it informs the person of a particular situation, and second, it offers them an opportunity to explain. After all, perhaps your interpretation of the incident is mistaken, or the other person has been looking for an opportunity to explain or make amends.

4. Keep the goal in mind.

The aim is to win the other person, not to win your point! After all, the desired destination for the journey of forgiveness is reconciliation.

This goal will direct and temper your attitude and language. If you are explaining clearly with the intention of rebuilding a damaged relationship, you are not going to presume the other’s guilt. 

 

Four Cautions

Here are four precautions to keep in mind.

1. Be prepared to listen. 

As mentioned, there may be an alternate and valid interpretation of events that puts the alleged ‘sin’ in a different light. This one-on-one conversation provides an opportunity to clear up misunderstandings and address wrongdoing. 

2. Is it wise and safe?

It may not be wise or safe to approach the offender alone.

For example, if there is an accusation of physical or psychological abuse, insisting on the alleged victim meeting one-on-one with the alleged abuser is neither wise nor safe. Hopefully, this is rare, but it is a consideration.

3. It may not work. 

The offended person’s loving confrontation of the offender may not resolve the issue. An offender may excuse or deny the ‘sin,’ or otherwise refuse to acknowledge it. In that case, Jesus informs us that the process is not over—it is to be pursued by the church community. We will expand on that another time.  

4. The context. 

The context of Matthew 18 is the community called ‘church.’ Within that community, family language is used, such as ‘brother’ and ‘sister.’ 

In many ways, the dynamics of this community are (or should be) unique. Reconciliation is not a mere theory—it is something to be experienced and lived. 

Despite this community’s uniqueness, I propose that Jesus’ words can extend beyond its boundaries.

 

Beyond your ‘circle’

Earlier, I quoted Leviticus 19:17-18. This is the basis not only for Jesus’ instructions within church communities (Matthew 18) but also for our attitude toward our ‘neighbors,’ people outside our immediate circle of close relationships (Matthew 5:43-48; Luke 10:25-37; Romans 13:8-10).

In stating the second great commandment, Jesus says (Matthew 22:36-40): 

“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Paul adds his affirmation, writing in Romans 13:8: 

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

These texts take us beyond the boundaries of the Christian community into the wider world of relationships. For this reason, followers of Jesus practice a bold love that confronts an offender—even beyond the community of ‘church’.

Even in the pain, the insult, and the brokenness, it is bold love that takes the initiative to do what needs to be done. It goes and shows the ‘other’ fully and graciously, with transparent and humble truth-speech. This is the love that cares enough to take the initiative to gain wholeness in their relationship with the ‘other’. 

 

Summing up

There is much more in Matthew 18. For now, ask yourself:

“Is there someone in my life who has sinned against me? Have I gone to them to confront them in grace and truth?” 

Listen again to these words of Jesus:

If your brother [or sister] sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.  If he listens to you, you have gained your brother [or sister].

Bold love knows it must overcome our reluctance and plunge into the ‘cold’ for the sake of the ‘other.’

Please feel free to contact me with your questions and comments using this link.

FORWARD TO the next post in this series

BACK TO How We Actually Love Like Jesus

TO START at the beginning of this series

Image credit: Depositphotos.com