Two Dilemmas of Forgiveness and You

di·​lem·​ma /də-ˈle-mə/ 

a situation that causes problems,

a problem that seems to defy a satisfactory solution

There are several dilemmas that a repentant person may encounter in the process of forgiveness. In this post, we will identify and respond to two:

1. What if the person I wronged is dead?
2. What if the person I wronged cannot be found?

Is there any hope of forgiveness? Are you condemned to carry the weight of your guilt perpetually?

Let’s look at each of these situations and offer practical responses.

Wiesenthal’s dilemma

These questions confronted Simon Wiesenthal (1908-2005) in a surprising turn of events.  

Wiesenthal was a Holocaust survivor and Nazi hunter. In his book, The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness, he recounts an incident he experienced as a Jewish inmate in a concentration camp during World War II. 

While on a work detail, he was led into a hospital ward where a German SS soldier was dying. The soldier, Karl, was haunted by his part in the murder of a Jewish family. He wanted to confess this atrocity to a Jewish person—any Jewish person. 

Even though Wiesenthal was convinced of the genuineness of the young soldier’s repentance, he was silent. He concluded that it was not for him to respond to the confession. He had not been the one harmed by the soldier. 

Should Wiesenthal have acted differently? What would you have done? 

Where Wiesenthal is right

Wiesenthal’s response was correct in one respect and deficient in another.

To the extent that he concluded that it was not for him to respond to the confession, he was consistent with a biblical principle—no doubt a principle he learned as a youth from the Torah.

In the “Four Qualities of True Forgiveness,” we featured the Lord Jesus’ teaching in Luke 17. In that scene, he says (17:3-4),

So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

When we listen to the Lord’s teaching in Matthew 18, we hear (18:15-22):

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. …

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

The repeated “against you/me” wording anchors the offense in a particular victim–offender relationship. Jesus then speaks to the victim about forgiving the offender.

When we turn to Jesus’ teaching on prayer in Matthew 6, which we explored in “But What About …? (Part 1),” we read (6:12, 14-15):

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ...

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

“[T]hey sin against you” refers back to “our debtors.” The language of debt is used: those who owe us due to wrongs done to us. The person forgiving is the one who was wronged/owed.

More could be said on this issue.

So, in the context of interpersonal forgiveness, the Biblical principle is that only a victim or a party negatively impacted by the offense has the right or standing to forgive the offender.

Where Wiesenthal is lacking

Wiesenthal’s response is also glaringly deficient. Perhaps he had forgotten an important principle he should have learned as a youth from the Torah.

In “Why Confession to God Matters,” we examined King David’s failures in 2 Samuel 11-12 and his penitential Psalm 51, particularly verse 4:

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight …”

In that post, we learned that any sin against an image of God is a sin against that God of the image. As all sin against others is sin against God, it follows that repentance and confession to God are fundamental to receiving God’s forgiveness.

We ended that post with the question we are now asking:

“What if the person I have offended or sinned against cannot be found, or has died, ...?”

David could not confess to Uriah, the loyal officer, whom he was responsible for killing. A restored relationship with Uriah was not possible. But David could confess to God and receive God’s forgiveness.

Later, David could pray Psalm 32. Here are a few verses from that Psalm (32:1-2,5):

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him

and in whose spirit is no deceit.

… I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”

—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

So, in the context of interpersonal forgiveness, even when the victim or offended person is dead, the Biblical principle is that the offender should repent, confess to God, and receive divine forgiveness.  

Another dilemma

But, you say,

“I don’t think the person I wronged has died; I just can’t find them. What do I do?”

First, you should follow David’s example, whether the person is dead or alive. Speak your repentance—confess your sin—to God first. Even if the restoration of the relationship with your fellow human is not possible, receive the forgiveness of God.

Second, if the person is alive, seek them out to confess your wrongdoing and ask for their forgiveness.

What if you have tried everything to find the other person? What then?

Here’s what a reader wrote me:

A person had injured a relationship by speaking badly about her friend.

Over the years, recollections of the rift she caused often troubled the woman. But she no longer knew where she could find the other person.

During a Sunday morning worship service, she determined in prayer to make every effort to rebuild the broken relationship. She asked the Lord to make the reconciliation possible.

Following the prayer time, and at the urging of the pastor to extend greetings to those still standing, she turned to recognize the very lady she needed to meet! Needless to add that following the conclusion of that good service, the two women leaned into a relationship only the Holy Spirit could have created!

Do what you can to locate the other person. If this doesn’t seem possible, pray. As we’ve seen, God does many amazing things.

Of course, this may not happen in your case, but it might. So, pray.

Other dilemmas

These are not the only dilemmas that a repentant person may encounter in the process of forgiveness.

Another problem we will look at is the case of the offended person who refuses to forgive a repentant offender. We will investigate this in the next post.

In the meantime, if you have any questions, comments, or stories about the dilemma of the deceased or the untraceable, please let me know by using this contact link. 

FORWARD TO the next post in this series

BACK TO Four Qualities of True Forgiveness

TO START at the beginning of this series

Image credit: Book cover from Amazon.com