When Forgiveness is Withheld

Here is another dilemma repentant people may encounter.

          He knew he had wronged her.

He confessed his wrongdoing to her,

asking her forgiveness.

She refused.

I have heard this type of tale too many times.

Does the Bible have an answer to this dilemma? What should a repentant person do?

What can you do?  

 

The model of forgiveness

Jesus speaks into this dilemma. Here is what he says (Matthew 18:23-35):  

[T]he kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’

The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 

The servant does not dispute the debt; he asks for time to pay. At first, we may not see how ludicrous his request is. 

The amount owed is astronomical. A talent was equivalent to 6,000 denarii; one denarius was a day’s wage for a common laborer. This means the servant owed 60,000,000 denarii, an amount roughly equivalent to 200,000 years of wages.  

Despite the enormity of this debt, when the servant makes his plea, the king responds by freely forgiving the entire debt—an immense and costly grace-filled act. Such is the forgiveness of God.

What happens next?

 

Ignoring the model

Jesus continues:

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 

This fellow servant owed about four months’ wages to the first servant. This amount is minuscule compared to what had been forgiven the first servant. 

Note the actions of the first servant:

He found – he grabbed – he choked – he demanded.

This servant reveals nothing of the grace and forgiveness he experienced from the king. 

The indebted fellow servant uses words almost identical to what the first servant spoke to the king. Yet the response is disgracefully different. 

Instead of forgiveness, the first servant responds with merciless retribution.

What is your reaction to this situation? 

 

Retribution upon the unforgiving

Something must be done! 

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’

In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 

Jesus concludes with this pointed lesson:

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.

What does this mean for a person who will not forgive?

 

The judgment explained

The master’s decision is harsh.

Do unforgiving servants lose the forgiveness they received earlier?

Do they face actual torture?

How are we to understand this?

Keep in mind this is a parable, which can be defined as:

a figure of speech in which a comparison is made between God’s kingdom, actions, or expectations and something in this world, real or imagined.[1]

Reminding us of the purpose of a parable, Kyle Snodgrass writes:

A parable’s ultimate aim is to awaken insight, stimulate the conscience, and move to action.[2]

To accomplish this aim, parables can shock us. This one surely does.

Commenting on this parable, one author provides this nuanced explanation:

… God is severe toward those who do not forgive others—unavoidably so, because they have cut themselves off from God’s forgiveness. … if victims are unforgiving toward those who wrong them, they will not also be in a frame of mind to seek or receive God’s forgiveness. It is not that unforgiving people forfeit the grace of God’s forgiveness that once was theirs: it is that by their own actions, and while they continue in un-forgiveness, they take themselves away from and out of the grace of God, and so are no longer able to receive it.[3]

Another commentator states that the unforgiving servant shuts themselves “in the prison of their own unforgiving heart.”

 

What about you?

If you are a wrongdoer who has done all you can to communicate your repentance to a person you have offended or injured, and that person refuses to forgive you, what can you do? 

Here are three practices for you:

1. Rest in God’s forgiveness. 

This presumes you have spoken your repentance to God as we have described in “Why Confession to God Matters”  and “Two Dilemmas of Forgiveness and You.” 

Once you have confessed to God, receive his forgiveness.

Since you have confessed to the person you offended, sought their forgiveness, and they have withheld it, you can still rest in God’s forgiveness. Here are David’s words from (Psalm 32:1-2):

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

Blessed is the [one] whose sin the LORD does not count against him

and in whose spirit is no deceit. 

Hopefully, the unforgiving person you offended will come around after time has passed and after their experience of being locked in the prison of their own unforgiving heart.

 

2. Be assured.

Be assured, the Lord is aware of the situation.

Also, others (like the ‘other servants’ of the parable) may be aware of the forgiveness withheld. Perhaps they are interceding to the Lord on your behalf.

In some way, the situation has reversed itself between the wrongdoer and the victim. So, leave it with the Father. Just as Jesus taught, the Father will deal with it (“Walking in the Way of Christ”).

 

3. Keep your spirit right.

Do not allow discouragement, bitterness, pride, or a host of other reactions to settle in.

As we described in “God’s Love is Active for You,” “Loving the One Who Hurt You,” and other posts, keep your heart in that place where you can do good, speak blessing, and pray for the one who is withholding forgiveness.

 

On the other hand, let’s not forget that someone may have expressed repentance for the wrong done to us, yet you or I are withholding our forgiveness of them. In that case, you and I know what we need to do.

What can you add? You can contact me using this link. 

FORWARD TO the next post in this series

BACK TO Two Dilemmas of Forgiveness and You

TO START at the beginning of this series

Notes:

 [1] Arland J. Hultgren, The Parables of Jesus: A Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2000), 3.

[2] Kyle Snodgrass, Stories with Intent: A Comprehensive Guide to the Parables of Jesus (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2008), 8.

[3] Anthony Bash, Forgiveness: A Theology (Eugene, OR: Cascade, 2015), 19. Emphasis added.

Image credit: John B. MacDonald © 2026 using prompts to illustrate the theme of Matthew 18:28–29, with Microsoft Copilot.