Why to Steer Clear of Forgiveness Distortions

dis·tor·tion

/dəˈstôrSHən/

The act of twisting or altering something out of its true, natural, or original state.

You are probably familiar with the concept of distortion and its meaning.[1] The accompanying photo depicts a real person who is visibly distorted from their actual or natural state.

What happens when forgiveness is distorted, when it is twisted from its actual state or purpose?

Many have adopted ideas about forgiveness without carefully considering them biblically and practically.

So, here is another question for you. Do you understand and practice a form of distorted forgiveness? 

Let’s find out together.

This post will begin with a story, then introduce some destructive consequences of forgiveness distortions, and recommend a way forward.

 

A twisted tale

This story begins like Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son, but quickly takes an unwelcome direction.

The younger son demands his inheritance from his father. In that culture (probably ours as well), such a demand is tantamount to saying “I can’t wait for you to die,” or “I wish you were dead.”

The father complies with his son’s request, and the son leaves home. 

At this point, the ‘story’ takes a different turn. 

The father feels responsibility for his son’s actions and is racked with guilt. He continually asks himself how he failed as a parent. 

At one point, he locates his son. Early one afternoon, the father makes an unannounced visit to his son’s penthouse suite in the big city. Reluctantly, his son – wearing a silk dressing gown – lets his father into the apartment. The conversation is short and strained. The father glances around the spacious room, taking in the bottles and the residue of white powder on the glass tabletop. The son says he’s fine. 

On the way back home, the father’s heart is heavy. He feels pangs of self-recrimination, loneliness, and the beginnings of bitterness. At times, his feelings are overwhelming, and so he seeks help.

An antidepressant is prescribed, which helps a bit.

A counselor advises him to forgive his son. Asking how to do that, he is told,

“Imagine visiting your son and telling him you forgive him for his rude and unloving demand for his inheritance – once you’ve done that in your heart, you will be released from the unpleasant feelings that plague you, and you can get on with the rest of your life. Do it for yourself.”

This seems to work for a time. Strangely, he finds it easier to forget about his son altogether so ‘he can get on with the rest of his life.’

Later, he is counseled to forgive himself so that he can cope with his painful memories. 

At times, recollections of his son well up in him. He finds a little relief by slipping another cheque in the mail.

The son never returns; the father eventually dies.

 

Some qualifications

This ‘twisted tale’ is somewhat speculative and perhaps a little exaggerated. It is intended to illustrate some of the techniques and consequences associated with what some refer to as ‘therapeutic forgiveness.’ As we will discover, such ‘therapeutic forgiveness’ is neither therapeutic nor forgiveness.

To avoid any misunderstanding, let me state three qualifications.

1. Feelings and emotions are important.

Often, emotions act as signals that something is happening in your life. For instance, you might feel anger because someone has violated a boundary, or fear because you are in danger. Trying to dull, ignore, or erase emotion is like smashing an oil warning light in your car—it does not deal with the real problem.

2. The desire for therapy or healing is wholesome.

God provides real therapy and healing. We will introduce how God does that in the next post.

3. There is value in medicine, counseling, and other disciplines.

These services can provide helpful, healthy, and necessary resources for human flourishing. The caution is that they may prescribe things that supplant or contradict what the Bible clearly states.

Let’s consider one of those “professional” contradictions of biblical forgiveness.

 

A forgiveness distortion

Here is an example of a distortion of biblical forgiveness from the field of psychotherapy.

In a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Clinical Psychology titled “Forgiveness in psychotherapy: the key to healing,” the authors state:

The process of forgiveness in psychotherapy involves both letting go of resentment toward the offender and replacing the resentment with mindful awareness and empathy.[2]  

One side of this forgiveness equation is “letting go of resentment toward the offender.” That is equivalent to saying, “it is not resentful.”

In a biblical context, this is not forgiveness.

1 Corinthians 13 identifies sixteen qualities of love (agapē). One of these characteristics is (13:5):

[love] keeps no record of wrongs. (NIV, NLT, NASB, CSB)

Other translations render this as:

[love] is not resentful. (ESV, NRS, NET)

Again, “letting go of resentment” is not biblical forgiveness; it is a legitimate expression of Christ-like love.

The other side of this psychotherapeutic equation is “replacing the resentment with mindful awareness and empathy.”

Once again, in a biblical context, this is an authentic expression of love, not forgiveness. Jesus says (Luke 6:27-28),

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

It is Christ-like love that displaces and replaces hate, harmful speech, and mistreatment. To learn more about this, here is the link for “How to Love Your Antagonist.” 

To follow this psychotherapeutic advice is to confuse love with forgiveness to the detriment of both. It advocates that one quality of (Christ-like) love displaces the whole doctrine and practice of forgiveness. If we adopt that understanding, biblical forgiveness no longer exists—it has been dismissed entirely.

 

Another distortion

Often, ‘therapeutic forgiveness’ emphasizes how to re-establish a sense of personal well-being—how ‘I’ can feel better about ‘me.’ Although this focus is often well-meaning, it is misdirected.

One of many books that stresses this secular mindset of ‘therapeutic forgiveness’ is Sidney Simon’s Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On With Your Life. The subtitle says it all and is reinforced throughout the book with statements such as,

[It] is about forgiving the people who hurt you, not as a favor to them, but so you can let go of the pain and get on with your life.

This process of forgiveness allegedly becomes a way to gain

[the] inner peace you have worked so long and hard to attain ... your own healing process. [3]

Here are two standard features of this ‘therapeutic’ approach that distort biblical forgiveness: 

1. The ‘therapeutic’ approach makes God optional. 

There is no need for God in this ‘therapeutic’ process. It is not stated that God does not exist, or even that He is not essential – the focus is “something you do for you.” It is claimed that the process is about self-healing and inner peace, both of which can be therapeutically attained without the need for God. 

2. The ‘therapeutic’ approach makes reconciliation optional. 

This so-called ‘therapeutic forgiveness’ aims to resolve the individual’s sense of disappointment, rejection, abandonment, ridicule, humiliation, betrayal, deception, or abuse.

Reconciliation with the other person is not important and becomes a choice based upon whether the benefit to ‘self’ outweighs the cost to ‘self’ (e.g., emotional, economic, or other).

Rather than essential, the vertical (God to ‘me’) and horizontal (‘me’ to ‘you’) dimensions of biblical forgiveness become optional, if not irrelevant.

 

Action items

Here are two questions to ask yourself:

1. “Is my understanding and practice of forgiveness biblical, or is it distorted? Have I embraced elements of ‘therapeutic forgiveness’?”

If your answer is “yes,” identify what those elements are. Be specific and write them down.

      2. “Am I open to change?”

Prayerfully ask the Lord to align your understanding and practice of both forgiveness and love with what the Bible teaches.

A disturbing number of recent Christian books and other resources feature ‘therapeutic forgiveness’ rather than biblical or true forgiveness. You may need to make significant adjustments to your understanding and practices.

The following post will introduce you to God’s proactive approach to healing and wholeness when relationships have been damaged or broken.

Do you have something to add? Please get in touch with me using this link.

 

BACK TO A Story of Forgiveness Told by Jesus

Notes:

[1] Merriam-Webster Dictionary online (accessed October 1, 2025).

[2] Sam Menahem and Melanie Love, “Forgiveness in psychotherapy: the key to healing,” Journal of Clinical Psychology 69/8 (2013): 829-35. My underlining.

[3] Sidney B. Simon, et al., Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get On With Your Life (New York, NY: Warner, 1991), 5, 194.

Photo credit: Tobyotter via Visualhunt.com / CC BY