I Can’t Forgive Myself

Our title is intentionally ambiguous.

Is self-forgiveness attainable, beyond reach, or a mistaken idea?

Presume a friend comes to you for guidance in the process of forgiveness. How would you help?

You guide your friend through the forgiveness process outlined in this series. As you listen, you are convinced that they are aware of their offense and have genuinely repented. Furthermore, they have confessed their wrong to God and to the person(s) they offended, and they have been forgiven.

Your friend then adds that they are still burdened by what they have done and asks about self-forgiveness.

We can certainly sympathize with a person weighed down by guilt, shame, or even fear over something they have done wrong. The yearning for release from personal torment, such as self-condemnation, self-loathing, and self-punishment, can be overwhelming and unhealthy. But is self-forgiveness the answer?

Let’s begin by asking ourselves three questions.

 

Question #1: Does self-forgiveness make sense?

One biblical metaphor for forgiveness is the release of a debt (Matthew 6:12-15; 18:21-35; Luke 7:36-50; 11:4; Colossians 2:13-14). Who has the right to release the debtor from the debt?

If someone loans you money and you cannot repay it, can you write a receipt that says, “Paid in Full,” and expect it to release you from the debt? Of course, not!

Debtors cannot release themselves from what they owe another.

If the lender forgives the debtor, the debt is legitimately canceled. Nothing further can be done to release the debt—it has been forgiven.

 

Question #2: How does self-forgiveness reframe the offense?

Justin Taylor makes a serious point in his article, “I Can’t Forgive Myself.”[1]

Whether conscious or not, the offender seeking self-forgiveness is attempting to reframe the offense by portraying themselves as a victim.

Using the example of having killed a person while driving drunk, Taylor writes:

Forgiveness requires both a victim and an offender, and so to forgive myself means that I am playing both roles. And so a part of me is allowed—even required—to play the victim for something that I did. But I shouldn’t get to play the victim, for I am the offender in this case. If I forgive myself, then I am asserting that I, like the person I killed, am a victim of my sin.

Taylor rightly argues that an offender should not and cannot claim victim status for their offense.

 

Question #3: What does the Bible say about self-forgiveness?

A Google search for “self-forgiveness” returned “about 170,000,000 results (0.20 seconds).”

A search of Amazon.com for books about “self-forgiveness” returns “over 30,000 results.”

When we search the Bible for “self-forgiveness” (and similar terms), how many hits do we get? 

ZERO!

No doubt advice on “self-forgiveness” is popular, but popularity is not the same as being right.

 

Self-forgiveness techniques

As mentioned, many resources promote the idea of self-forgiveness. Many of these resources are rooted in fields that do not acknowledge biblical authority, such as The Self-Forgiveness Handbook by Thom Rutledge, a psychotherapist, and Radical Self-Forgiveness by Colin Tipping, a clinical hypnotherapist.

These resources suggest many techniques. One such technique is to stand in front of a mirror for 30 consecutive days and say something like “I forgive you for (past event)” or “You’re a good person. I love you” (James Messina, Growing Down).

Another technique in “The Art of Self-Forgiveness,” posted by “Wildmind Meditation,” advocates getting your “inner protector” to tell your “inner critic to shut up.”

As observed in “Why to Steer Clear of Forgiveness Distortions,” these techniques involve most, if not all, of the following:

• Self-centered: It is all about “I, me, and my.” It focuses on removing ‘my’ pain, guilt, regret—you name it—so ‘I’ can feel better about ‘me’.
• Makes God optional: He is not necessary. It is not that God does not exist; he just is not required. This is “something you do for you.”
• Makes reconciliation optional: The other person is irrelevant to the process.

Self-forgiveness techniques, whether a form of inner protector vs. inner critic, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, or something else, inevitably are about ‘me’ convincing ‘me’ to forgive by ‘me.’ That is not genuine forgiveness.

For the most part, these techniques presume that you should never feel bad about what you did, and you should engage in some form of psychological or other manipulation to remove or lessen those feelings.

Is there a way forward?

 

Four ways forward

We have been walking through the process of forgiveness for a few months, beginning with “Reclaiming Forgiveness: A Fresh Beginning.” At some point, you will want to start at the beginning and work through these posts.

Here are four helpful insights.

1. Listen to your feelings.

If a person commits adultery, or lies to or about someone, or steals from someone—if they have any sense of right and wrong, in other words, a conscience—they will feel bad.

Those feelings are a mixture of shame, guilt, remorse, and other reactions.

In those circumstances, feeling bad about what you did is not only good, but also right.

Trying to get rid of those feelings without dealing with your wrong is like smashing the oil light on the dashboard to fix the problem. That is simply an act of self-deception.

Our feelings can be warnings that something is wrong and prompts that something needs to be done.

I am not saying that feelings should control your life; I am saying that feelings are indicators that should not be ignored.

2. Use accurate language.

Sometimes we desire the right goal but take the wrong path. In many cases, we are not careful about the accurate meaning of words and concepts. Inevitably, this leads to confusion, if not worse.

One obvious area of confusion that we often ignore is how we mix up love and forgiveness. We use the words for forgiveness when we mean love, and love when we mean forgiveness. The result is that we are in danger of losing both the meaning and practices of love and forgiveness. (See: “When Love and Forgiveness Get Confused”). 

Some people who talk about self-forgiveness are probably yearning for self-acceptance, which is something different.

Healthy self-acceptance flows from knowing you are loved and accepted by God.

Although much can be said about self-acceptance, check out “The Therapy of God’s Love” and “Love is Active for You.” 

For the Christian, there are many wonderful benefits bestowed by the God who reveals himself as Jesus Christ.

I also encourage you to read Ephesians 1:3-14 carefully and prayerfully, a rich text explored in the series “Being ‘in Christ’.” This will inform you of the blessings freely available to all who are “in Christ.” Among them is the truth of being “accepted in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:6).

Now that is real acceptance!

3. Embrace functional theology.

Don’t glaze over when you hear the word ‘theology.’

James K. A. Smith writes that biblical theology “is the graced understanding that makes us faithful disciples.”

If we embrace dysfunctional beliefs or theology, we will behave in dysfunctional ways. Our beliefs inform and direct our behavior.

If your ‘theology’ of sin is distorted or wrong, you imagine you can ‘go it alone.’

If your ‘theology’ of forgiveness is distorted or wrong, you leave a trail of broken relationships.

If your ‘theology’ of self is distorted or wrong, you have erroneous views about yourself.

Dysfunctional theologies are ultimately destructive.

Functional theology will be rooted deeply in the person of Jesus Christ, the text of the Bible, and the love of God.

4. Listen to God.

This is more than a matter of theology. It is about keeping company with God, which includes listening to him.

Here are two things he tells us about forgiveness:

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace. (Ephesians 1:7)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

The first text tells us the amazing cost and source of forgiveness—real forgiveness; the second, that God’s forgiveness through Jesus Christ is to be our model for understanding and practicing forgiveness.

To reject or ignore God’s forgiveness—or to substitute it with a therapeutic counterfeit—is not only arrogant but also dishonors God.

 

A Mistaken Diagnosis

Although we can sympathize with people seeking release from such things as self-condemnation, self-loathing, and self-punishment, we need to acknowledge that self-forgiveness is not biblically valid. “I need to forgive myself” is a mistaken diagnosis.

If an offender has not repented and sought forgiveness, self-forgiveness is unauthorized.

If an offender has repented and been forgiven, self-forgiveness is unnecessary.

What an offender needs is to receive forgiveness, accept any continuing consequences, make restitution where possible, and learn to live according to the truth and power of grace rather than the lingering verdict of shame.

Avoiding the misdiagnosis of self-forgiveness preserves us from two opposite errors:

• It does not permit offenders to bypass repentance by granting themselves absolution, and
• It does not require the repentant offender to remain trapped in perpetual self-punishment.

Biblical forgiveness takes the offense seriously, locates forgiveness in the proper relationships, and then calls the forgiven person to trust a verdict greater than his fluctuating feelings.

 

Hopefully, this post has answered some important questions, but it may also have raised some questions. Among these questions, you may be asking, “How do I deal with painful memories?” We will address that question in the next post.

Please feel free to send me your comments and questions using this link.

 

BACK TO Grace for the Fractures

TO START at the beginning of this series 

Notes:

[1] Justin Taylor, “I Can’t Forgive Myself,” The Gospel Coalition Blog, entry posted November 9, 2011, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/you-should-forgive-yourself/ (accessed September 21, 2026).

Image credit: “I Can’t Forgive Myself” designed by John B. MacDonald © 2026, using Depositphotos with Microsoft Copilot.